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Desktop Blues Game
Dear Abby... I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry. A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He agreed. Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3. Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician? Thanks Very Concerned. (Thanks to Graham Jordan for this one)
How do you know when the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth
What do you do if your bassist is drowning? Throw him his amp.
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!" ... "Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?" ... The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ?"
What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night." "But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?" "Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
What's the difference between a blues guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agency."
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?". The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
Why do rock bands have roadies? To act as interpreters for the drummer.
What do you do when a musician comes to your front door? You give him the money and take the pizza.
What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted.
Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.
RAP is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla? A really dumb gorilla!!!
Why are band intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings." The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?" "I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings." The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?" "Yeah! How did you know man?" "Cos’ this is a fish and chip shop."
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers.
What do bodhran players use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with? A razor blade.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? It is harder to hit a moving target!
Why are an organist's fingers like lightning? Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music
As Buddy Rich was being wheeled on a trolley into hospital after having a heart attack, a concerned young nurse was leaning over him. She asked "Mr. Rich, are you allergic to anything?". He replied, "Only country and western music!".
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music.
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